Boy, do we EVER need to talk about Kevin!

We Need To Talk About Kevin” is a nightmare film about rearing up a sociopath and all the trials, tribulations, laughter and tears that accompany that daunting item on the to-do-because-I’m-saddled-with-this-burden list.

Let me out and out say, the movie’s fucking brilliant. It is based on the Lionel Shriver novel of the same title, and I became a bit wrapped in the story after I saw the movie just a few nights ago. And The White Devil Tilda Swinton deserved that oscar nomination for her portrayal of a woman who never planned on being called “Mommy” by America’s newest teen psycho. But since I may be jarred awake by Vietnam-esque flashbacks (just as I was thinking “Pfft, what’s up with all this SLEEP I’ve been getting!?”), I figured I should share some key takeaways.

Takeaway #1:

A nurturing mother does not always give way to a well nurtured and good mannered child.

 

This one is super important to me, since I plan to someday have a child with no mother in sight. But this is also something to note, because I have long feared that should I adopt, my brush with Murphy’s law hints at me potentially adopting a baby Dahmer. The last thing I need is the kid from “Orphan” standing in my backlit bedroom doorway, but after seeing “Kevin,” I was convinced this will surely happen to me.

Snow Wolf Swinton’s character clearly struggles to bond with her child from the moment he was born. She tries, awkwardly, to give him the kind of love that is a normal mother’s jam, but she just can’t seem to squeeze out the affection. Oh well, he ends up in jail anyhow.

Takeaway #2:

Give Tilda Swinton a retroactive Academy Award AT ONCE!

 

I’m totally a Streepophile. Ever since my ten year old eyes caught glimpse of Madeline Ashton retwerking her neck back in place and whipping her 88.9 degree head back and forth, I knew. I knew. Meryl Streep is fucking brilliant.  And last year, the Academy agreed with everyone else who had a pulse and gave her the Oscar for playing Maggie Thatcher. In the moment, IN THE MOMENT, I agreed with them.

Until the other night, when my bones got chilled.

That night in March, Meryl said something to the effect of “Oh HER again” in an adorably self-deprecating way while accepting her award. On the other side of the TV set, I, with watery eyes said “MERYL I LOVE YOU DON’T SIT DOWN BE MY HERO SOME MORE YOU AMAZING THESPIAN YOUR HAIR LOOKS GOOD LET ME SMELL IT.”

But had I SEEN “We Need To Talk About Kevin” by that time, I would have either a) pulled an Elvis Presley and shot the TV set with my .44, or b) said “Yep, bitch, SIDDOWN.”

Takeaway #3:

We need to talk about giving Kevin archery lessons.

 

John C. Reilly plays the marginally loveable moron married to a dazzling post-Just For Men dye job Tilda who thinks that despite no emotional connection with his mother, sticking a hamster in the garbage disposal and potentially blinding his sister with drano, that the kid’s really just fine.

I would maybe trust my wife to at least get my child checked out. Instead, the old man taught his son how to use a bow and arrow.

How’d that work out for ya, pal?

Isn’t he the cutest when he’s in murder mode? Honey, get the camcorder!

For all the horrific moments, I firmly believe that you should see this when you get the chance. It may seem odd casting to have John C. Reilly play a man of seemingly Armenian descent, while he and Scotland’s most notable albino somehow sired a child who looks kinda Asian, but they work. They all work. It’s a brilliant and frightening story. WATCH. THIS. NOW.

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